The Foundations of Pleasure: Consent
Image: James Kovin via Unsplash
When we think about pleasure, we tend to think about sex, orgasms and related paraphernalia like toys or wellness products like Jade Eggs. And if you’ve been on your pleasure journey for a while, you might have jumped in expecting to get more of it by learning new techniques or buying sexy lingerie.
But there’s something vitally missing with that picture: laying the foundations of pleasure.
What does that mean? It means creating the conditions that allow pleasure to be there in the first place, and it’s something that is all too easily overlooked. Without them, you may find yourself plateauing with progress or giving up altogether because what you’ve been trying so far hasn’t worked.
Think about what would happen if you took time to create a delicious dough and then tried to bake it in a cold oven. You wouldn’t get very far! Pleasure is the same. You need the ingredients, but you also need the right environment if you want true alchemy to occur.
The reason creating this environment is overlooked or avoided, is because it’s not sexy work. If anything, it can be confronting and what some might perceive as a ‘passion-killer’ in much the same way that stopping to put on a condom can be seen as some as ‘ruining the moment’.
The good news is, that even though it will likely feel clunky in the beginning, this work actually creates space for passion to not only be there in the first place, but to flourish.
Foundation 1: Consent
It should go without saying that consent is necessary. However, it’s not always something that’s taken into consideration. At its basis, consent is an agreement between the people involved about what’s about to happen. Most of the time, it’s assumed that consent is there if the other party doesn’t explicitly say no or try to stop it, but we know from the insane amount of sexual abuse in the world that it doesn’t always work that way.
Saying no can feel hard for a multitude of reasons. Maybe you felt up for it when you were passionately kissing in the taxi but didn’t once you got in the house. Or you’re simply undecided about whether you want to have sexual intimacy (or any kind of intimacy for that matter) with that person right now.
Consent should never be assumed - even in a relationship! Try asking for permission (you can make it sound sexier than that, of course) before kissing, licking, sucking or putting things in places. If you know everyone is in agreement, it removes ambiguity and allows for pleasure to come in.
How much thought and awareness do you give to consent in your sexual life? And how could implementing consent help you reap even more pleasure?
Head to the next blog post to learn about foundation number 2 - boundaries.
Curious about how I can help with your pleasure journey? Check out my Uncapped programme, schedule a free 30min call with me, check out my coaching space.