How to get survive a break-up (and come out even better on the other side)
“After all, computers crash, people die, relationships fall apart. The best we can do is breathe and reboot.”
Dumping, breaking up, conscious uncoupling…whatever you call them, break-ups can be tough. Nine years ago this month, I found myself about to step into my first ever break-up. At the age of 27 and after an almost decade long relationship, I had no idea what was waiting for me. A long time fan of romcoms and romance novels, I knew it would hurt, that I’d probably cut my hair, get drunk a whole lot and probably find a new relationship to rebound into. Did I do al of those things? Yes, and a whole lot more besides. But by far, the biggest thing that came out of my first ever break-up, and the ones that followed, was a whole lot of self-development.
I truly believe that relationships are one of the biggest areas for spiritual growth. We share parts of our lives with someone, build hopes and dreams, and like it or not (for most of us at least), heartache is inevitable. With a few women around me currently in the midst of break-up and divorce, the issue of how to get through it while holding onto your sense of self, has been a hot topic. Everyone deals with heartache in their own way, but there are a few universal things I’ve found that can help:
Allow yourself to fell all the feels
As a society, we tend to run away from things that hurt and distract ourselves with outside noise when things get too much for us to deal with. When a break-up happens, we’re suddenly removed from the person we’ve shared our deepest feelings and thoughts with, the person we’ve spent most of our time with and in some cases, an entire family we’ve embedded ourselves into. Having time alone to process feelings can be a scary thing, especially when we’re talking about feelings that hurt in a let me stick my fist into my heart and wrench it out kind of way. It can seem easier to block it out with mind-numbing reality TV marathons, binge-drinking or getting high but the truth is, we can’t expect to process our feelings if we don’t allow ourselves to feel them first.
It takes a lot of courage to feel those feelings, to let yourself cry when you feel like it’ll never end and you might even die because it hurts so much. But it’s like a volcano, building up internal pressure - these feelings have to come out somewhere. And just like when you have an upset tummy, it’s definitely a case of better out than in. Energetically speaking, holding onto dark feelings can lead to all sorts of imbalances, so allow yourself to feel. It’s ok to cry constantly or thump your pillows when you feel angry…whichever process works for you. After the storm there’s always the calm.
Find someone to talk to
Hopefully, you’ve got a good support network around you. Family and friends who can lend you a shoulder to cry on and do some of that feeling we’ve just talked about. The great thing with this kind of support, is that they always have your back (well, mostly). They’re there to agree with you about how much of a prick your ex was, and how you were absolutely right to be pissed off about XYZ. And that’s great because they bolster you up and make you feel great! But here’s the thing. These people are massively biased in your favour. Of course they are, they’re your best friend, sister etc. Which means that you probably won’t be called out while you’re bitching about your ex and how awful he was, with questions like: What was your role in this? How did that make you feel? or How could you have handled that differently?
At the risk of sounding harsh, it takes two to tango. Relationships don’t break down just because one person decides on it (usually, at least). It’s normally a case of little things building up, or the same issues coming up in arguments until at some point, one person decides they’re not willing to make comprises anymore or the things they want aren’t being met. So many of us repeat the same patterns, having the same relationship issues with different partners and if this sounds familiar then you absolutely need to find out what your part was in it all. We all have faults, and speaking to someone who has no vested interest or bias towards you can help you evolve to the absolute best that you can be. When you identify and work on certain behaviours or mindsets, they can be improved upon for the next relationship that comes your way.
Stay away from social media
I’m a big fan of digital detoxes, especially after a break-up. I know that for some people, being vulnerable and sharing their feelings in real-time is a thing - whatever works for you. But at a time when feelings of confusion, not being enough, feeling abandoned and in need of something or someone, social media can be a place that offers more harm than good. Do you really need to stalk your ex and check for updates multiple times a day? Do you need to trawl through likes and comments to see if they’re with someone new? Sometimes, we do things just to prove to ourselves right. But often when we do that, what we’re really doing is hurting ourselves - almost like sticking a needle in your eye just to know your eye is there. Step away from the phone. Uninstall the apps and take a few days break. This blog post will give you some insight into why a digital detox is exactly what you need.
Keep up the self-care
Look, I know that when you’ve spent the whole day crying on the floor, the last thing you want to do is put on your leggings and go do yoga or hit the gym. One of the first things that tends to slip when life throws us a curveball, is self-care. Even if it’s not a break-up, at the first sign of a new work deadline, family drama or moving house, the things we do to keep ourselves sane are thrown out of the window. Which is a travesty because these are the times when we need them the most! Even if your self-care looks more like giving yourself a pedicure watching re-runs of SATC, then please, please continue to do it. By continuing to do the things that make you feel good on a deeper level than, say, a gin and tonic, you’re sending a powerful signal to yourself and the universe that you will always have your own back. That no matter what happens, you will always endeavour to be your own best friend. Relying on other people or outside forces to take care of us when things are bad is a sure fire way to disappointment.
A great side effect of regular self-care, is the mental time out we usually get while doing it. When we’re flowing on the mat, we don’t have much space for anything else. When we walk through the forest, we can let the mind wander and unpick whatever it needs to in order to find clarity. Self-care goes so, so much deeper than bubble baths and essential oils (though they’re great accessories). Self-care is a sure path to self-love and that’s the best kind of love there is.
The longest relationship you will ever have, is the one you have with yourself. Even if your next relationship lasts until your final breath, you will still have been with yourself for longer, and when we realise that, we can start to re-frame heartache as an opportunity to fall more in love with ourselves.
You’ve got this. And if you’ve got a loved one going through a break-up, forward this post and tell her, she’s got this too.
xx