How to work with your Inner Critic to stop feeling defeated and get what you want
Image: Ryan Moreno via Unsplash
We all have a voice in our heads that likes to tell us we can’t do things, it’ll be too difficult, we don’t know enough, etc. And for many, this voice is often loudest during the premenstrual phase where it extends from being just about us (e.g. you have no idea how to run a business) to criticising everything from our jobs, relationships and lives in general.
Everyone has this voice. Even the people you’d least expect. World leaders, megastar coaches, celebrities, Oprah too, probably. So if we all have it, what’s the difference between them and you?
They know how to work with their critic, instead of letting it work them.
Inner Critic work is a huge part in how I coach, not just because of its link to the premenstrual phase, but also because it can be a powerful factor in personal transformation when recruited. It isn’t always easy - in fact it can be downright confronting - but it’s always worth it.
Let’s imagine that you’ve been a lover of books for as long as you can remember. You were that kid who always had her nose in a book (think Belle from Beauty & The Beast). They were your comfort place and you always had one in your bag.
At some point, you get the feeling that you could write a book like the ones you love. You know how the formulas go (e.g. two people meet and fall in love, their personal demons get in the way and jeopardises their relationship, they separate and realise how real their love was and get back together, or, someone who’s down on their luck and struggling to make a success of their life falls into a situation that calls on them to go on a journey where they have to step up in order for someone else to survive. They struggle and struggle until they realise how powerful they really were all along). Or, you read something you find absolutely awful and think, I could do better.
You know you can write this because you’ve read it a hundred times. You dream of seeing YOUR name on a book cover, maybe even a film adaptation of it. So you open your laptop, click on ‘new document’ and get started. You sit and you write and you sit and you write. And then, at some point, the critic creeps in.
What makes you think you can write a book?
You’ve never studied creative writing.
Your family and friends will think its about them.
There are thousands of other authors who are already established and successful, there’s no space for you.
Why would anyone ever read this?
You don’t know how to get a publisher.
You don’t know how to self-publish.
You won’t make any money.
Better to stay in your safe and comfortable job.
They’re logical arguments, so you listen to your critic. You continue with your life and the story you’ve started writing stays buried on your laptop gathering virtual dust. And while you might feel safe and comfortable, you also feel miserable AF every time you walk past a bookshop.
If you’re finding yourself constantly held back, it’s likely because you’re listening to your logical critic. It’s where you stop, and those who work with their critic to get the things they want, begin.
The thing to know about your critic, is that even though they might not sound like it, they are actually on your side. Your critic is part of a mental defence system that serves a purpose - it keeps you safe. Think about it. If you don’t know how to do something and go off to do it anyway, there’s a high chance of failure. Your critic doesn’t want that, any more than you do.
You need a voice inside of you that can help you to see when things are dangerous, unsafe or dubious. It’s basic survival. The inner critic however, is like that overprotective helicopter parent. The type that doesn’t let their kid play outside or sleep at a friends house in case something happens, that fusses over every single thing to keep them 100% clean, 100% of the time in case they get sick. It’s coming from a good place, but its smothering and it stunts growth.
Your purpose is to be an author. Whether your purpose is to be a rival to the likes of Stephen King and Marian Keyes, or an author with a small fan base providing a little extra income on the side is another thing entirely. But your purpose, the thing you were born to do, is write books and you know that deep in your bones.
Logic doesn’t sit well with purpose, because purpose means going off and doing YOU, as opposed to doing what everyone else does. It means taking leaps of faith, time, dedication and self-belief. And those are scary things for your protective mechanisms to deal with. This is why so many people stay in relationships that are toxic and broken, or jobs that are unfulfilling, and never step into their true selves.
Until you start listening to your critic instead of simply hearing them.
Let’s say you’ve got five chapters of your book written when your critic comes in loud with that list of reasons why it won’t work. When you remember that their function is to protect you, you can also shift your perspective to see the truth in what they’re saying (to be clear, not all of what they say will be valid, it’ll also often be complete rubbish!).
What makes you think you can write a book? Well, you’ve got 5 chapters done, you love to read and you LOVE books - that’s enough.
You’ve never studied creative writing. True, and if you feel you need to, you always can. But there are many bestselling authors (myself included) who didn’t get any training aside from creative writing in school.
Your family and friends will think its about them. People see themselves in stories, that’s why they work! Characters SHOULD be relatable. But if you’re writing about a very specific scenario that happened word for word then sure, they’ll think its about them.
There are thousands of other authors who are already established and successful, there’s no space for you. There are indeed thousands of authors, but everyone’s creativity and expression is different. There isn’t anyone who can tell the story you can, because only you have the experience and voice you have.
Why would anyone ever read this? If its something you’d like to read yourself, it’s extremely likely that at least one other person on the planet would too.
You don’t know how to get a publisher. Google can help you with that.
You don’t know how to self-publish. That too!
You won’t make any money. Is it about the money for you? (and it’s 100% fine to say yes!). But it might also be about the prestige of having a book online or in a shop, or simply knowing you’ve done this huge thing of writing a book!
Better to stay in your safe and comfortable job. There’s no reason to leave your job to commit to writing full time until (or if) you feel ready to do so!
There is always an argument for what the critic says. They’re not always easy to come to or work on by yourself, which is why coaches and mentors exist! But its rare that the critic says something that’s a hard stop. It’s simply a question of how badly you want the thing you want.
If you really feel like you need a creative writing course to feel validated, then take one! And thank your critic for flagging this gap in your skills because now you’ve got even more of a reason to succeed!
This example can be applied to literally anything and it shows you how important mindset is. If you keep telling yourself but and I can’t because, then you will hold yourself back and your critic will be an accomplice in that, instead of being your biggest ally for success.
If you’re struggling with your critic and would like to see how coaching can help, schedule your free 30min call with me or check out my coaching space.