Who am I now? The struggle of identity loss after becoming a mum (Copy)
Motherhood is one of the biggest transformations a woman can go through, yet no one really prepares us for the sheer depth of the identity shift that comes with it. We might know about sleep deprivation, feeding struggles, and the chaos of newborn life, but no one sits us down and says, "Hey, you might not recognise yourself for a while, and that’s completely normal."
If you’ve been feeling lost, grieving the freedom you once had, or struggling to figure out who you are now, you’re not alone. This shift is part of a process known as matrescence: the psychological, emotional, and even biological transformation from maiden to mother. It’s a journey, not a single moment, and it deserves to be acknowledged. (I go into matrescence in more detail in this post: https://www.nataliekmartin.com/blog/matrescence)
The maiden and the mother: understanding the shift
In archetype work, the maiden represents youth, freedom, spontaneity, and a sense of limitless possibility. She’s independent, follows her desires, and can prioritise herself without question. The mother, on the other hand, embodies wisdom, resilience, deep love, and sacrifice. She’s a nurturer and a creator, not just of children, but of life in all its forms.
When we become mothers, we don’t just gain something new; we also lose something. The spontaneity, the endless space to just be, the ability to act on a whim - all of that shifts. And that can bring up feelings of grief, frustration, or even resistance.
Why is it so hard to let go of the maiden?
For many of us, the maiden is all we’ve ever known. We spent years, even decades, crafting our identity, our routines, our way of being in the world. Then suddenly, overnight, everything changes. The independence we once had is replaced with responsibility. Time, once our own, now revolves around the needs of a tiny human. The world, which once felt like it belonged to us, now feels like it belongs to someone else. And no one tells us how to navigate that.
We have antenatal classes about birth, but where are the classes that help us process the emotional, mental, and spiritual transition into motherhood? Where’s the ritual that marks this shift? Instead, we’re often left to figure it out on our own, feeling like we’re the only ones struggling.
How to honour this transition
Rather than fighting against the shift, what if we honoured it? What if we gave ourselves permission to acknowledge the loss and celebrate the gain? Here are a few ways to move through this transition with more ease and intention:
Acknowledge the shift Simply recognising that you are in a transformation can help. If you feel lost, overwhelmed, or unsure of who you are, remind yourself: This is a transition. It’s normal to feel this way.
Grieve what’s changed It’s okay to miss the version of yourself who could sleep in, be spontaneous, or travel without a second thought. Let yourself feel that. It doesn’t mean you love your child any less.
Find ways to reconnect with your inner maiden She’s not gone; she’s just in the backseat. Create a playlist of songs that remind you of your younger self, revisit an old hobby, or carve out time (even if it’s rare) to do something that makes you feel like you.
Celebrate what you’ve gained What has motherhood given you? Maybe it’s a deeper capacity for love, a new sense of strength, or an understanding of patience you never had before. Take a moment to honour that.
Create your own ritual We don’t tend to have cultural ceremonies that mark this transition in the West, but that doesn’t mean you can’t create your own. Write a letter to your maiden self, thanking her for all she gave you. Light a candle and set an intention for the mother you’re becoming. Do something that feels symbolic to you.
Remember, every mother goes through this shift, even if we don’t talk about it nearly enough. The key is to acknowledge it, honour it, and give yourself the space to integrate the changes.
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