How creating boundaries can reduce your PMS
Image: Isian Rustad via Unsplash
The days leading up to your period can feel tense and frustrating. The desire to be with people can be non-existent and the will to stay polite and palatable can feel like Superwoman effort. PMS manifests itself in many ways, and one of the most common is a feeling of anger, martyrdom and just wanting to punch someone in the face.
If this sounds familiar to you, here’s something that can help: create boundaries.
Boundaries isn’t saying no to other people. It’s saying yes to yourself.
Most of us live a life of wake, work, sleep, repeat. The world isn’t set up to take much individuality into account and there can be the expectation of operating like a well-oiled machine. Being productive, every day. Social, every day. Sexual, every day. Having a menstrual cycle goes directly against that because of the constant flux of our hormones. And when we hit the premenstrual phase of the cycle, life can look and feel very different (you can read more about that in this blog post: https://www.nataliekmartin.com/blog/pmspower ).
One of the ways I work with clients who struggle with anxiety, overwhelm or rage in their premenstrual phase, is to strip things back in the premenstrual phase. This is a naturally introverted time, where focus comes around to ourselves. It can be incredibly powerful, but it can also be very tender and vulnerable. Padding yourself here can make all the difference whether you experience PMS symptoms or not:
Here are two ways to incorporate boundaries into your premenstrual phase, so that you can make it to the other side without leaving your job, ending your relationship or escaping the country:
Resist taking drastic action
The leaving your job, ending your relationship and escaping the country was only a half joke. Tension and criticism is naturally higher in the lead up to your period and with less tolerance, you might feel like an elastic band that’s ready to snap. Making big decisions is not the best thing to do here because, once your period comes, you may well feel very differently about whatever it was that was bugging you. That doesn’t mean to say it’s not valid. If you’re consistently having the same thoughts, especially in every premenstrual phase, it may be a sign that something in your life needs to be changed.
Take empowered action by making a note of whatever is coming up for you here, and spending some time while you’re on your period to reflect on it. Think of this as looking at the world with transition lenses. In your premenstrual phase, things can feel spiky and laced with anger. You look at the world with clarity. When you’re on your period, the clarity is still there. It simply has less of the sharp emotions, leaving you able to take a more balanced view.
Mark your calendar
The easiest way to not get caught out with a billion social appointments while you’re in your premenstrual phase, is to mark it in your calendar. Whether you track your cycle yourself or use an app, make a note of your next period due date and count back a couple of weeks from that date. Highlight those 10-14 days so that when an invitation comes, you’ll be able to see that it’s your premenstrual phase and decide before committing. This is a pre-emptive way of giving yourself more space at this time in your cycle.
Get comfortable saying no.
Having said that, there will be times when you can’t block the time out in your calendar beforehand. Your mother-in-law might spontaneously ask to meet for a coffee, or that friend who attracts drama might want to meet for a drink to talk about the toxic guy she’s dating but doesn’t want to leave.
You will likely know, instinctively whether this is something you want to do.
How you respond to it might come down to conditioning - always saying yes, always being available and always helping others.
One of the best ways to start making space for your authentic self (and reduce those feelings of irritability and anger) is to speak your truth. You don’t have to be mean, but you can say, sorry but I don’t have time right now. This is not saying no to your friend or mother-in-law, it’s saying yes to honouring your time and energy. Besides, how helpful are you going to be, meeting with your friend and feeling more irritated than compassionate while she unloads what’s going on?
It’s important to remember that the beauty of having a menstrual cycle means you won’t feel this way for long. Before you know it, you’ll be in a place in your cycle when you can easily handle stress that comes your way, where you’ll be the initiator for social gatherings and more motivated at work.
Often, when we experience feelings of rage, bitterness or the need to escape, it’s because a line has been crossed. We feel taken advantage of, unheard and/or unseen.
Creating boundaries is a beautiful way to prioritise yourself without damaging the relationships around you.
If you’d like to go deeper with your cycle journey, talk to me about coaching.