Sex drive vs sexual energy and how to access it across your cycle
Image: Adam Cybulski via Unsplash
If you’ve ever felt broken because your sex drive is ‘low’ you’re not alone. You might have argued about it with your partner or in some cases, your ‘low libido’ or ‘lack of interest’ in sex might have even contributed to a break-up. If you’re like 75% of the women who took a recent survey of mine, your biggest struggles might be around sex and intimacy and trust me, I know how crap it is to feel like there’s something wrong with you because you’re not thinking about sex all the time (head to a blog post I wrote about low libido as a result of being on the pill).
However, I also know, that sex drive and sexual energy are not the same thing, and once you learn the difference, you can access turn on at any time instead of having to wait until the time in your cycle when your hormones switch on. But first…
Sex drive and your cycle
The menstrual cycle revolves around ovulation - it’s the star of the show. Why? Because ovulation is what’s necessary to conceive. No egg, no ovulation, no baby (unless of course you’re having medical assistance). From biology’s point of view, that is the point of being. Just like every other thing on the planet, procreation is what it’s all about - continuing our DNA and ensuring the future of the species.
Oestrogen is the hormone necessary to make ovulation happen (you can find out more detail about ovulation in this post) because it releases the egg which will hopefully be fertilised by a sperm. Along with that, effects of oestrogen include increasing vaginal lubrication and feelings of sexual desire. It makes sense right? Our clever bodies want to get pregnant, so it creates the conditions to make us want that too (whether actual baby-making is on your mind/wish list or not). This is also why so many women find their libidos reduce on the pill - because it stops ovulation from happening so that you don’t get pregnant.
This time of your cycle is when you might find yourself more inclined to socialise (your cycle wants you to get out there and meet potential baby-making-partners), why you might feel more attractive and why you might also naturally feel horny. That’s not to say you might not want sex at other times in your cycle, but this may be the time when you actually initiate (if you have a partner, try asking if they’ve noticed this - sometimes, they recognise more patterns in our behaviour than we do!).
Another amazing thing that happens around ovulation is that our cervix rises to accommodate penetration. So while you might find being on top or doggy-style uncomfortable at some points in your cycle, it might feel really good at ovulation, because there’s literally more space. Being in those positions might feel really good and have you appearing to be more ‘into it’ than you otherwise would be.
Incredible, right? But it’s also really limiting. Ovulation as an event is pretty quick and for most, the fertile window is a few days at most. If you have an average 28 day cycle, that could mean 23 days of wondering where your sex drive has gone.
Enter, Sexual Energy
By contrast, sexual energy is something that we have with us, all of the time. But first, let’s start with life energy - the energy that gets us out of bed in the morning and gives us the motivation to do things. This might even be a factor that you track across the cycle - how energetic did I feel today? We all have this, though the levels of it will vary depending on what’s happening in our lives. Think about it, if you’re taking care of your body, exercising, sleeping well, eating well etc, you’ll tend to feel more energetic. Whereas if you’ve been sleep deprived, are eating unhealthily and never move your body, you’ll tend to feel lethargic. It’s like a feedback loop.
Remember I said that everything in life is about procreation? That’s because life energy is at its core, sexual energy. They’re one and the same. Flowers that come up in the spring and summer may look and smell pretty, but that’s not why they’re blooming. They’re blooming so they can be pollinated. An octopus will battle its way through life in the open sea and then mate only to give birth and die. The drive that makes those things happen isn’t just because - it’s sexual. The thing that gives them to the will to survive is the drive to procreate and use their life energy, which is their sexual energy. And we’re no different, which is good news because it means we don’t have to go looking outside of ourselves to reconnect to or enhance our sexual energy. And, most importantly, it means we can access it whenever we want to.
You don’t have to wait until ovulation to feel, connect to and enhance your sexual energy.
You already have it, all of the time. You were born from the act of sex and without sex, you would not exist.
The difference is of course, that we have things that stand in our way. We have body confidence issues, minds that can sabotage and trip us over, jobs that demand time, social media that can make us feel disconnected from ourselves etc. These are all issues we have to work through using whatever tools resonate - yoga, therapy, coaching, breathwork, counselling and so on, but when you start to think of your sexual energy as being the same as the energy that allows you to read this post, you can start connecting to it.
Curious about how coaching can help? Schedule your free 30min call with me or check out my menstrual cycle coaching space.