The lessons that 2019 taught me
I remember saying this time last year, ‘2019 is going to be a huge year of transformation’. I had such a strong feeling that it would be a year of change not only for myself, but the people around me. And it really, really has been. So many in our circle have separated relationships, made relationships, got engaged and married, had children, moved away. Friendships have been severed and reconnected. Illnesses diagnosed. Change? Most definitely! I’ve spent a lot of time over the last few weeks journalling and reflecting on the past 12 months, and here’s what I’ve learned:
I have the power to mould my life in any way I want
I made a list of the things I’ve achieved not just in the last year, but in the last decade, and it really showed me just how much my life had changed. Since 2009, I’ve quit a long-term relationship and my well-paid corporate job, travelled, quit smoking, published 3 novels and 2 novellas, written articles for national magazines, learned 2 new languages, emigrated, became a yoga teacher and a vegetarian. I’ve changed my hair more times than I can count, and also changed how I relate to people on a whole.
And here’s the thing. Every single one those choices and changes, were down to me. I made the decision to book a one-way flight to India, to give up cigarettes and meat, to turn my attention to spirituality and self-development. And even though there are times when I feel stuck in a rut, I can always, always choose. And that is so empowering.
Death is a very real thing. And it’s one of life’s biggest teachers
Earlier in the year, I wrote about my Grandad and his battle against terminal lung cancer. When I saw him for the last time, I really to understood that death is real. I’m so incredibly grateful I got to see him one last time and even though he was in constant pain, he still had lucid moments of laughter. I got to lie with him for a while, cuddling him and holding his hand. While I was there, my other Grandad was diagnosed with terminal prostate cancer and in hospital. Seeing him in there, so thin, made me wonder if there was some kind of cosmic joke happening - that both Grandad’s could be dying of cancer and both saying the opening line ‘Your grandad’s not doing too well, Natalie.’ Less than two weeks later, my first Grandad died and within 4 weeks, so did the second.
I really understand the meaning of legacy now. Both my Grandad’s were lovely men, who lived good lives and saw the best in people. I made a real soul-pact to myself to be more like them, to keep the legacy of their goodness alive. There’ve been so many situations afterwards where I’ve felt out of my depth or angry, frustrated or stuck. And I’ve literally thought to myself, ‘what would my Grandad do?’. I’ve learned that death is one of life’s biggest teachers. It’s helped me to re-evaluate what’s important and what small stuff I can stop sweating over, and really brought it home to me that this life truly is fleeting.
I don’t have to wait for permission to be myself
I developed an awful lot of self-censorship after moving from the metropolis of London to the somewhat conservative city of Ulm. But this year I’ve really started to see that there’s no need for me to wait for permission to be myself. To wear the clothes I want, to teach the yoga I want, to say no to certain people and opportunities and yes to others. Most of the blocks I’ve experienced have all been my own mental projection anyway and what I’ve really, really learned is that most people are so wrapped up in their lives and problems, that it really, truly doesn’t matter anyway.
One of the most beautiful quotes I’ve come across is this, by Anita Moorjani. Her book, Dying to be me, was a huge source of comfort while my Grandad passed away, and it’s a gorgeous message to carry with you through to the new year:
“Your only purpose is to be yourself, otherwise you deprive the universe of who you came here to be.”
— Anita Moorjani
I truly hope that 2019 has shown you, even if only in small glimpses, that you are truly capable of anything.
Here’s to 2020,
Much love,
Nat
xx