The Foundations of Pleasure: Agency
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So we’ve come to the third instalment of this feature on the foundations of pleasure, and this week, it’s Agency.
And nope, I’m not talking about marketing or travel. Agency is a relatively new concept to many, especially because most of us grew up without it. But agency is what can take your sexual and pleasure practice from intimidating, nerve-wracking or so-laa-laa to amazing.
So what the heck is it?
Foundation 3: Agency
Agency is having a choice, and is slightly different to consent and boundaries. Let’s say your partner has asked if you’d like a massage. You’ve had a long day and your muscles are tired. You’re happy for the treat and agree. You’re enjoying every second of it, until your partner starts getting turned on and tries to take the massage into foreplay by massaging your vulva, getting undressed or kissing your body. Your enjoyment takes a cliff dive because the last thing you wanted was anything sexual and the pleasure potential has disappeared.
This can be avoided by exercising agency. That might look like replying to your partner’s offer of a massage with a ‘yes please, but only on my back’ or ‘yes please, but nothing sexual’. If this feels hard to do, it’s worth asking why. Often we don’t want to disappoint people, but really all you’re doing is allowing the massage (and the kindness of your partner) to be fulfilled and fully expressed.
If your partner knows you don’t want sex but would love that massage, they can get on with giving you exactly that. And, more importantly, you get to fully enjoy the massage without worrying about what comes next. The pleasure potential is amplified because you’re not jumping to conclusions in your head.
Can you see where you’re missing the agency piece in your life, whether it’s the bedroom, boardroom or with your family? Once we start standing up for own agency and giving it to others, things can change in a big way.
Curious about how I can help with your pleasure journey? Check out my Uncapped programme, schedule a free 30min call with me, check out my coaching space.