The Foundations of Pleasure: Boundaries
Image: Jazmin Quaynor via Unsplash
Boundaries can get a bad rep. There can be an assumption that having them is selfish, or egotistical. But they’re an essential component with sexuality and even more so when it comes to pleasure.
As I mentioned in the previous post about consent, boundaries are a foundation of pleasure - which means its something necessary to allow pleasure to be there in the first place. To use my favourite analogy, creating pleasure is like putting dough in a cold oven. You need the right environment and boundaries is part of that.
Without them, you can find yourself in sexual (or otherwise) situations where things happen that you don’t want to, where you don’t have a choice and even if you did have one, where your choice doesn’t even matter. This is the opposite of sexy.
Boundaries might feel strange to start implementing at first, especially if you’re already in a relationship. But it will get easier and is worth working on. So, here’s foundation number 2.
Foundation 2: Boundaries
As mentioned, We often think boundaries saying no to people but it’s saying yes to yourself and giving them clarity about what does and doesn’t work for you. When you understand that you have boundaries in the first place, and therefore that other people have boundaries too, you can start implementing them in a way that feels less scary and more authentic.
Let’s say you absolutely hate oral sex, giving and/or receiving. This is a hard no for you - it’s a boundary. It means that intimacy with a partner shouldn’t involve oral (of course you may always change your mind on this!). When you start dating someone and then start moving towards sexual intimacy, being able to express this is a way of you stating your boundaries (and trust me, they’ll have their own too!). That way, you both know that oral is off the table from the very start, removing being put in a situation where you’re expected to do (or have done to you) something you absolutely do not want.
Remember, you always have the agency (check out the next post for that) to move the line of your boundary if you choose to, but until that point, it should be respected. And the beauty is, that when we start empowering ourselves to have boundaries, we become a model for other people to the same.
Head to the next blog post to learn about foundation number 3 - Agency.
Curious about how I can help with your pleasure journey? Check out my Uncapped programme, schedule a free 30min call with me, check out my coaching space.